Online Therapy, Acupuncture, & Dogs

… because why not dogs?

I’m seeing my acupuncturist for the second time today. I still have a bruise on my right hand from my first appointment. However, this is common… according to the internet. Thanks, internet, for making me feel better about tiny, painful needles in my skin.

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I also have an appointment with a new therapist. Before I discuss that, I should get into a bit of history about my art therapist. I loved my art therapist. And I was a bad patient. I poofed. I poofed because she made some comments the last few times I saw her with which I wholeheartedly didn’t agree… and it became something of a pattern. I found myself talking about the same issues over and over, instead of doing the work that was in my treatment plan. I didn’t feel that was productive. The last time I went was right before entering a period of emotional crisis. At that point I decided that, for me, I had gotten everything I was going to get from working with her at that time.

I know it’s incredibly wrong to just stop seeing a therapist and not give them closure, however, it is a service for which I was paying, and I have no insurance, and that deal could only last so long. Basically, it became an untenable situation for me in many ways.

Mind you, I haven’t abandoned self-improvement or therapy all together. I have been doing my reading, and creating art, and expressing myself. I have been trying to implement the plans and strategies that came out of art therapy. I use my Girl Cave as a retreat. I’m sleeping much better.

There is turmoil in my personal life which I have agreed not to discuss openly. That doesn’t mean I won’t talk about the suicidal thoughts, or the self harm I have inflicted upon myself, or the frequency with which I have used crisis and suicide hotline resources over the past few months. It is my belief that it is important not to hide these things away, but rather to throw open the curtains and let the damned sun burn the truth of them into us. I am hurting emotionally and physically.

I am not resistant to therapy in the least. I am resistant to unproductive therapy. I am resistant to judgmental therapy.

This is a good point to get into why I have chosen to seek online resources instead of traditional, in-office therapy. There are several websites that provide access to emotional support online. I have utilized the active listeners at 7cupsoftea on a few occasions. I found the group chat to be more useful than the active listeners themselves. It turns out that active listening is not a skill that everyone has naturally. Active listeners are simply people who have completed a web-based training and are volunteering their time.

Then there are the therapy sites that provide access to professional therapists. I have not used these resources before. The two sites that I looked into when I was performing late-night searches, as you do, are TalkSpace and Breakthrough. TalkSpace has been discussed in the media and on numerous talk shows. I found this to be a turn off. There was also some language in their EULA that turned me off. I can’t pinpoint what it is that made me choose Breakthrough, but that’s what I did.

I have an appointment with a Breakthrough therapist at 2 PM EST today. Actually, she’s a clinical social worker who has worked with families and individuals who have suffered trauma. She had the cheapest out-of-pocket rate while not being a Christian nutter.

I can’t see an overly religious therapist because my relationship style and sexual orientation don’t really mesh well with them. I’d rather be able to get those things out of the way and move on to the real work.

What do I consider “real work”?

That’s a tough question, with even tougher answers. I have past traumas, trust issues, PTSD, and some massive codependency to conquer. Doing these things will help me communicate more effectively, love myself more, and manage my health (mental and physical) more compassionately. See? I have goals. I’m clear cut. But I am so easily distracted by the swirling chaos of diagnoses and external stressors that I never get to the meat of the situation.

I’m at the point where I don’t want to gently wade into these traumatic issues. I’m good at self care. I’m good at knowing when I need to stop certain conversations. (Emphasis on “certain”.) I’m ready to deal with the awfulness in which I am mired.

On to the fun things! DOGS! Well, just one dog. I know this popped up on my Instagram feed (follow me on Instagram for dog, makeup, more dog, and occasionally pictures of knickknacks or medical crap. @niansahc ) but I think that a shout out is worth while.

Here’s my baby, Oliver, and my favourite quote about devoted little dogs for your viewing pleasure:

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8 Ways to Distract Yourself from Your Chronic Condition

No matter what you’re going through, be it depression, a chronic condition, or just a rough patch in your life, it’s important to give your mind and body a break now and then. A friend of mine, who is a Reiki practitioner, was over to do a session with me this past week. She told me that I needed to laugh more. I think this is true for all of us. As she said, as so many have said, “laughter is the best medicine.”

I think that laughter is a powerful form of distraction, the most powerful in fact. There are other ways to take a brief vacation from mental and biological negativity, however. Here’s are some things to try:

  1. Laugh. It’s not always as simple as just laughing. I get that. But what are some things that make you laugh? Silly movies? Ridiculous cat pictures? Baby animals? People falling down? Do you have a friend who always makes you smile? You used to laugh, and you need to do it more. Laughing hurts less than crying.
  2. Get creative. I learned to play the ukulele after I became disabled. It’s something I can do with my hands that doesn’t require thinking. I can play happy things or sad things. The point is that, while I’m playing, I’m not thinking about how much I hurt. I also draw and embroider. If you have a condition that limits your fine motor skills, there is always finger painting. I’m serious. Get messy! Make something! I shared the story of a woman I met at the Jefferson Headache Center who makes rubber band bracelets on a loom. She can only manage the energy to work on one for 15 minutes, but that’s enough time to finish. At the end, she’s happy to have a new bracelet. I have friends who are talented crafters, photographers, performers, and musicians… and all of them struggle with something.
  3. Learn something. Sometimes it’s hard to feel passionate about anything at all when you lack hope about the future. However, I bet there’s something you’ve always been curious about. Depening upon the severity of your condition and the level of your daily function, your ability to spend time with friends or dedicate a lot of energy to projects may be limited. But your mind still works, and it’s aching to be used and kept spry. From puzzles to out an out research on a topic to free online courses to actually enrolling in an online university… there are many ways to pursue knowledge and keep your brain in shape. Do you love science? History? Philosophy? Embrace your hunger for knowledge and force the spark for learning. The more you look into a topic, the more you might find you want to know. Not only will this give you something to talk about other than your condition (which is just a fact of life when you have anything with the word “chronic” in front of it), it will make you feel good about yourself.
  4. Netflix/Podcast binge. Yes, I said it.Binge. I know that studies have shown that a binge on shows can lead to negative emotional whatever. Fine. But you know what a binge does for me? It passes the hours upon hours that I spend in bed where I am absolutely unable to do anything other than just be in bed in pain. I can’t even look at the television, but I can listen to it. And if the light bothers me too much, podcasts are a beautiful thing. I spend hours alone while my family is at work and school. Having human voices around is nice. I can’t be productive, but I can listen to/watch things that interest me or comfort me. I can learn, I can laugh, I can feel uplifted… all from the comfort of my fetal position.
  5. Listen to music. Bob Marley said, “One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.” I choose to take that in a lot of ways. Music is soothing, there’s no doubt about it. Your favourite tunes can elicit all kinds of memories. Actively creating music by playing an instrument or singing, and listening to music are both equally as restorative. You don’t have to listen to light, fluffy music. If you’re angry about what you’re going through, you might feel better if you listen to some angry music. Get it out. It’s okay to feel what you feel. You have every right to be upset about what’s happening to your mind and body. This list isn’t about sugar-coating your condition. It’s about distracting you.
  6. Do stuff with friends. This is a tricky one. Friends can be a double-edged sword. Your good friends who understand what you’re going through will treat you like a human being and not like a fragile doll. Everyone else might be weird around you and that might be unpleasant. Chronic conditions really show you who will stick by you, and you’ve lost people and made new friends a long the way. My husband and I have worked hard to construct a social life that brings the party to us yet allows me to rest and slip away if I need to. We have people over to our house, we ask friends to help with the set-up and clean-up. We make them potluck events so we aren’t doing a lot of the work. I have friends over for show marathons and silly sleep overs. I wear my pajamas because it’s my damned house. My friends are cool with this. They get it. My friends understand that I can’t always drive. We do ridiculous, silly things. It’s all about finding the right people to spend time with.
  7. Get physical. I don’t mean exercise. You should do that too. I mean touch someone, or have them touch you. Massage, caresses, tickling, even intimate touch can be a great distraction. It doesn’t have to be sexual. As much as I hate to admit it, when I’m having a horrible pain day, it’s pretty awesome when my dog licks my feet. I frequently ask my husband to touch my back lightly. Simply being touched on a part of my body that doesn’t hurt is a great distraction. When I’m home alone, I use a soft ball to apply pressure to sore points on my back. Tennis balls work too. Heating pads and ice packs help draw my attention away from my pain. It’s all about pulling my attention elsewhere.
  8. Meditation and breathing exercises. If you live with chronic pain or depression and you aren’t already meditating or practicing controlled breathing on a regular basis, now is the time to start! Introducing calmness into your world is important for your mental and physical health. I’m not going to try to pitch it to you. I’m just going to tell you that I meditate and I use breathing exercises and they help me immensely. I think they could be good for you and you should give them a shot. That’s just my opinion. Here are some great resources to try if you need some help:

HOW YOU GET THROUGH IT ALL

howshouldwetreatme:

Special Offer for My Brain Hates Me Readers!

Reader Discount!

I designed the “Lights Out, MONSTER BRAIN” shirt for a few reasons. First, a friend of mine thought that the MONSTER BRAIN shirt in “sand” was a bit sadistic on my part. Second, black goes with everything. And lastly, I wanted a tribute to anyone who suffers from light sensitivity due to migraine or other neurological issues.

Also, I wouldn’t mind putting my MONSTER BRAIN to bed every once and a while and getting some rest.

Buying one of my shirts directly helps me pay medical debt, fill my next prescription, replace ice packs, and allows me to keep this blog going. While the blog is absolutely the least important thing on that list, it might be the most important to you… because here you are, sharing my journey.

If you’re like me, and you’re under the dictatorship of a chronic condition, maybe you can’t afford a shirt. That’s okay. I’d still appreciate it if you’d share my shirts with your friends. Heck, you can even pass along this discount!

Enjoy the shirt. Thank you for reading, commenting, supporting, and living.

What No One Tells You About Trauma « TWLOHA

“It is not something you can just move past, but you try anyway. You try to get over and under and around and through. It seems to block your way forward at every turn. But you keep trying because there’s no such thing as going back.

It is not something that has a reset button. There is no do over. And, worst of all, there’s no off switch. It just settles in your chest and threatens to rise in your throat with every breath.” – Claire Biggs

via What No One Tells You About Trauma « TWLOHA.