… because why not dogs?
I’m seeing my acupuncturist for the second time today. I still have a bruise on my right hand from my first appointment. However, this is common… according to the internet. Thanks, internet, for making me feel better about tiny, painful needles in my skin.
I also have an appointment with a new therapist. Before I discuss that, I should get into a bit of history about my art therapist. I loved my art therapist. And I was a bad patient. I poofed. I poofed because she made some comments the last few times I saw her with which I wholeheartedly didn’t agree… and it became something of a pattern. I found myself talking about the same issues over and over, instead of doing the work that was in my treatment plan. I didn’t feel that was productive. The last time I went was right before entering a period of emotional crisis. At that point I decided that, for me, I had gotten everything I was going to get from working with her at that time.
I know it’s incredibly wrong to just stop seeing a therapist and not give them closure, however, it is a service for which I was paying, and I have no insurance, and that deal could only last so long. Basically, it became an untenable situation for me in many ways.
Mind you, I haven’t abandoned self-improvement or therapy all together. I have been doing my reading, and creating art, and expressing myself. I have been trying to implement the plans and strategies that came out of art therapy. I use my Girl Cave as a retreat. I’m sleeping much better.
There is turmoil in my personal life which I have agreed not to discuss openly. That doesn’t mean I won’t talk about the suicidal thoughts, or the self harm I have inflicted upon myself, or the frequency with which I have used crisis and suicide hotline resources over the past few months. It is my belief that it is important not to hide these things away, but rather to throw open the curtains and let the damned sun burn the truth of them into us. I am hurting emotionally and physically.
I am not resistant to therapy in the least. I am resistant to unproductive therapy. I am resistant to judgmental therapy.
This is a good point to get into why I have chosen to seek online resources instead of traditional, in-office therapy. There are several websites that provide access to emotional support online. I have utilized the active listeners at 7cupsoftea on a few occasions. I found the group chat to be more useful than the active listeners themselves. It turns out that active listening is not a skill that everyone has naturally. Active listeners are simply people who have completed a web-based training and are volunteering their time.
Then there are the therapy sites that provide access to professional therapists. I have not used these resources before. The two sites that I looked into when I was performing late-night searches, as you do, are TalkSpace and Breakthrough. TalkSpace has been discussed in the media and on numerous talk shows. I found this to be a turn off. There was also some language in their EULA that turned me off. I can’t pinpoint what it is that made me choose Breakthrough, but that’s what I did.
I have an appointment with a Breakthrough therapist at 2 PM EST today. Actually, she’s a clinical social worker who has worked with families and individuals who have suffered trauma. She had the cheapest out-of-pocket rate while not being a Christian nutter.
I can’t see an overly religious therapist because my relationship style and sexual orientation don’t really mesh well with them. I’d rather be able to get those things out of the way and move on to the real work.
What do I consider “real work”?
That’s a tough question, with even tougher answers. I have past traumas, trust issues, PTSD, and some massive codependency to conquer. Doing these things will help me communicate more effectively, love myself more, and manage my health (mental and physical) more compassionately. See? I have goals. I’m clear cut. But I am so easily distracted by the swirling chaos of diagnoses and external stressors that I never get to the meat of the situation.
I’m at the point where I don’t want to gently wade into these traumatic issues. I’m good at self care. I’m good at knowing when I need to stop certain conversations. (Emphasis on “certain”.) I’m ready to deal with the awfulness in which I am mired.
On to the fun things! DOGS! Well, just one dog. I know this popped up on my Instagram feed (follow me on Instagram for dog, makeup, more dog, and occasionally pictures of knickknacks or medical crap. @niansahc ) but I think that a shout out is worth while.
Here’s my baby, Oliver, and my favourite quote about devoted little dogs for your viewing pleasure: