There is this list of things keeping me alive. When it’s bad, like it is now… when I can’t face it like I can’t now… I start running through the list. It’s the normal stuff, really: people I care about, things left undone, not wanting to hurt my family, feeling selfish for even letting the thought of no longer existing feel warm and attractive.
It’s also things like secrets, or things that I would prefer to tell my family. I’ve covered these things with the immediate people… but I feel like I can’t just up and die. There’s so much preparation, it’s just easier to live.